Dumb Jokes

I thought we used to have a thread where people posted dumb jokes but I really couldn't be bothered with trying to find it (hey my time is really valuable).

Anyway my wife told me this one this morning and I thought it was hilarious (especially coming from her).

What's the difference between a woman and a gun?






You can put a silencer on a gun.

Good one, have to be careful where I repeat that one.

A termite walked into a bar and asked; is the bartender here?

Right behind the termite, a dog with his foot all bandaged up came into the bar and said for all to hear:

"I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw!"

Just a few from the list of Bad Jokes (they're not actually trademarked, of course) that I have on my phone. I come up with stupid puns, and I write them down before I forget them. And they are thus preserved for future generations

I'm really good with key signatures. You might say I'm a natural.

I've been playing air guitar with a broom. I'm alright, but I need to practice my sweeps.

What do you call it when you practice driving a funeral car? Rehearsal.

Falling elevator jokes are wrong on so many levels.

What do you call the period of time after a calculus exam? The aftermath.

Can I use pontoons? Sure, whatever floats your boat.

The cool part of being an amputee is telling people you've done everything single-handedly.

If I could, i'd smack you.  

Redeemed Fool wrote:

If I could, i'd smack you.  

Single-handedly?

Dusting off this old thread with another entry:

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve, and they had children, and so was all mankind made."
Two days later, the curious girl asked her father the same question.
"Many years ago," the father answered, "there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother. "Mommy, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God," she said, "and Daddy said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

LOL Driven.

Why do scuba-divers fall backwards when they go into the water?

Answer:

A mule walks into a bar.  The bartender looks up at him and asks, "Hey!  Why the long face?"




A man walks into a bar.  "Ouch!" he screamed!




Do you know what is blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint!!!

What's brown and sticky?



A stick!

-What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey (say it out loud).


-I still remember what my grandpa said to me right before he kicked the bucket...
"Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"


-I saw this on a bumper sticker once:
"Jesus saves. Gretzky rebounds, he shoots! He scores!"


-A drum and cymbal fall off a cliff. What sound do they make?
Ba dum tiss!


-A vulture boards a plane with two dead raccoons. The flight attendant says "Sorry sir, we only allow one carrion."


-I kept wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then, it hit me.


-My all time favorite joke.

A man is walking down the street next to a mental health hospital and notices several patients in the recreation yard. As he gets close, they start chanting "Twenty two! Twenty two! Twenty two!"

As he gets even closer, he notices in the privacy fence a small hole with an arrow pointing to it. He walks to the hole, the patients keep chanting, and he wonders what it is. His curiosity gets the best of him and he looks in the hole.

One of the patients pokes him in the eye with a stick and they all cheer for several seconds. The cheering dies down and the patients start chanting "Twenty three! Twenty three! Twenty three!"

"What is pirates' favorite letter?"
"ARRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
"You'd think so, but their heart belongs to the C."

Two guys walked into a bar.  You'd think the second one would have ducked.

I read recently about a Mafioso hit man confessing to being hired to kill a cow in a rice field with two Precious Moments figures. It seems it was the first knick-knack paddy whack.

Wow you guys are taking the "dumb" part of the jokes very literally. 

ishmael81 wrote:

I read recently about a Mafioso hit man confessing to being hired to kill a cow in a rice field with two Precious Moments figures. It seems it was the first knick-knack paddy whack.

I heard he stayed so long that his canine almost starved.  He had to "give the dog a bone".

Thought I would revive this thread since I could use a laugh...

-What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

-Andy has 25 candy bars and eats 22 of them. What does Andy have now?
Diabetes.

-What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?
"Hey, where's my tractor?"

-IF you get cold, just stand in the corner. They're at least 90 degrees.

-How does a train eat?
It goes chew chew.

ishmael81 wrote:

-Andy has 25 candy bars and eats 22 of them. What does Andy have now?
Diabetes.

That's one of those "makes you laugh but then feel guilty" kinda jokes. 

Staybrite wrote:

ishmael81 wrote:

-Andy has 25 candy bars and eats 22 of them. What does Andy have now?
Diabetes.

That's one of those "makes you laugh but then feel guilty" kinda jokes. 

Definitely... but it is pretty funny.

ishmael81 wrote:

Staybrite wrote:

ishmael81 wrote:

-Andy has 25 candy bars and eats 22 of them. What does Andy have now?
Diabetes.

That's one of those "makes you laugh but then feel guilty" kinda jokes. 

Definitely... but it is pretty funny.

Indeed. 

Did you hear about the new first person shooter game where you fire poop at the bad guys instead of bullets?

It's called "Call Of Doodie"!

-My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I 
use it as both. When not in use, it 
is prominently displayed in a 
decorative ceramic utensil caddy 
in my kitchen.
The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at 
a rummage sale.

It’s a pooper-scooper.

-What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

-
After an impromptu song, our pastor asked the church pianist, “What key did I sing that in?”
The pianist replied, “Most of them.”

-
Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, 
recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a 
woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had 
bought her a beer.
“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”
“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”

-An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks.
“ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.