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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Not sure how much longer...   Mon Aug 25, 2014 11:15 am

I can keep acting.
I haven't felt joy, contentment, happiness or drive for so many months. But I pretend, since I have no "reason" to be unhappy. I have a wife who's never experienced depression so she doesn't understand.
Though I still "believe" in the entirity of Christianity, I haven't had any "faith" in a few years. My hunger for the Word, growing in Christ and sharing my faith is gone.
I'm sick of dealing with pain 24/7, it's taken everything out of me. I'm sick of acting like I'm able to keep on keepin' on, when I really want to run away from everything.
I'm so tired of going through the motions. I look forward to nothing. I use to have drive, I use to look forward to weekends, to vacations... now everyday is just a day to "get through".
I use to go through phases like this off and on, which gave me hope, since I knew I'd bounce back eventually. I haven't bounced for a few years now. I'm running out of energy to keep acting.
A couple months ago I tried pushing my wife away in an effort to give her an "out" - I explained that my conditions are just going to get worse and she's not gonna wanna grow old with me. I only see darkness getting darker for my future. She didn't go for any of it and is a wonderful person who says divorce is not an option. But I just don't see a perfectly healthy, intelligent, able-bodied woman with drive and motivation wanting to stick it out with me.
I've been thru the whole "medications" and "treatments" in the past and nothing worked. Anti-depressants have side affects that are worse than depression. Pain meds are a vicious, horrible cycle of use, overuse, abuse, detox, repeat. Alternative meds help but again, the side affects suck. I've tried mental/emotional practices to be stronger and "deal" with each day... what a joke.

So, now that I've thoroughly depressed everyone reading this. I just wanna say thanks for reading. They say it's best not to hold all this kind of stuff in, but I have no one close to talk to really, so like always, I dump here where I have friends and people I trust.
Maybe I'll see if I can hook up with some family to talk... I know my oldest brother deals with these demons too, but he's much stronger than I.  I just hate this crap and am SO tired of going thru the motions.
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Xid

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Mon Aug 25, 2014 11:35 am

I wish I had the right answer for you.  I wish I had the right words.  Like your wife, I don't understand depression without an outside cause.  I can offer to keep you in prayer.

Here's where I try and crack a joke or be a sarcastic smart aleck but I know that won't work.
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kerrick

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Mon Aug 25, 2014 11:51 am

Hey dude, thank you for sharing.  I really don't know what to say.  :/  I'm praying for you though.  And I am grateful for your wife's role in your life and the strength and determination she brings.

I think sometimes though we forget just how interconnected all the different aspects of our beings are: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual...  It's not as if each of those are separate and detached from the others.  You are in constant physical pain - it's only natural and expected that it'd affect the rest of your being.  So I think you're wrong in that: you have every reason to feel this way.  I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you that has brought you to this point either.

Last night at church, the topic spoken on was waiting and how to wait well while we're [sorry for the alliteration - it was unintentional I swear!] in a holding pattern - whatever it may be.  In your case, that's healing.  The speaker spoke from John 11 and the death/raising of Lazarus.  One of her points was how we may be in the midst of being used by God during our periods of waiting.  Jesus could've hurried on over to Lazarus before he died and healed him then, but He didn't.  Instead He waited til Lazarus was dead and buried.  Why, if not to show His great power all the more profoundly?

John 11:40-42 wrote:
Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”
So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”

Not to imply you are being selfish by ANY means, but sometimes it can be helpful to look up and around and see who God may have inserted into our lives who may need our help or encouragement or wisdom.  You're a good man Jim and I know there are a million people who'd greatly benefit from getting to know you.  How has this situation shaped you in a way that you may be poised to help?  When we're in pain and waiting, our vision narrows.  But whose lives are you situated to touch?  In my own struggles with loneliness and contentment, I believe God has used me to encourage this group of guys from my church who are in similar stages of life.  It's still hard and miserable oftentimes, but I believe (or hope) He's doing something good through me too.  I for one am mighty thankful and honored to know you, greatly appreciate you for who you are, am encouraged by your wisdom and honesty, and want to see you thrive in ways you've never imagined.  In the words of Joe Dirt, "keep on keepin' on" my friend.
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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Mon Aug 25, 2014 12:16 pm

Very good words of encouragement. I truly appreciate it. If I can only keep reminding myself over and over of these things... it is so easy to quickly forget.

Quote :
When we're in pain and waiting, our vision narrows.

This is so true. I use to have desires and ministries - outward focuses. Ever since my first back surgery in 2005, then shortly after that someone stole my Bible with all my notes and studies, I've slipped lower and lower over the last 8 years...
I try to "be" what I'm suppose to be. I bring my wife flowers "just because" (and try to make her happy), I go to work and go thru the motions, we have a Bible study group every 2 weeks I attempt to participate in... it's just all too much to pretend anymore. I need real desire back.
Someone once told me to just keep going thru the motions, and eventually the "feelings" and desires will come back... it's been 8 years since I really had a strong will.

Thanks again for listening though. Means a lot to have people here to hear me out. My wife tries to understand, but she truly can't. I had a Christian friend before I got married who seen me go through a strong depression bout, and he also couldn't understand so he distanced himself from me which was very difficult for me...
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Staybrite

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Mon Aug 25, 2014 2:24 pm

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:
I can keep acting.
I haven't felt joy, contentment, happiness or drive for so many months. But I pretend, since I have no "reason" to be unhappy. I have a wife who's never experienced depression so she doesn't understand.

I run into the same problems with my wife.  She doesn't understand how I can be so unhappy sometimes.  She want's to know why and I can't explain it.  It is like somebody with a hoarding issue or someone with an irrational phobia or even an OCD issue.  Those that don't suffer from the problem just can't understand why us "afflicted" people just can't shake it off and try to be more normal.  But we just can't.

Have you tried seeing a psychologist (not a psychiatrist)?  I started a few sessions with one a few years back but before I could make much progress I lost my job and along with it my good insurance plan...sadly my new insurance plan doesn't cover it so I haven't been back.  Just wondering what you have done, besides "go through the motions"

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"I used to be indecisive.......... Now I'm not sure."
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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Mon Aug 25, 2014 3:25 pm

Thanks man.
Well, besides many different medications or NO medications, "bio-feedback" (which I never fully understood), "going thru the motions", etc... I went to a local mental health Dr where he prescribed me the anti-depressants and anxiety stuff. I've never been to a Dr who listens to you and takes you through therapy sessions though.  I've seriously considered someone like that, but I'd like a Christian one as a lot of my struggles come from a loss of faith. (To be clear, it's not a loss of belief, or a turning away from God, rather, I just can't muster up any faith to face God anymore - I have a LOT of anger... pent up as it is).

I know I need help, I just don't know what to do. I've cried out to God many times, but I've also cursed my life and God for my suffering. I'm at a point where I'm drowning and need someone to come in after me cuz I can't tread water anymore, and am unable to get out of the water on my own.
Just not sure anymore... so I just keep going thru the motions...
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ishmael81

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Mon Aug 25, 2014 3:55 pm

Jim,

I suffer from depression too. There's a lot of nice little cliche's and pat answers I can say now, but I won't because I remember how much they used to piss me off.


Instead, I'll suggest fasting and prayer. John Piper wrote a book on fasting that I read a few years ago (despite disagreeing with him on some things). He said that fasting isn't to prove how tough you are or how you can give up food and be pious or how religious you are. It's about denying yourself to seek Jesus.


It's tough. I won't lie. I did a 14 day fast about a year ago and on day 11, I ate a can of Pringles. The big ones. Cheese-ums. But I went right back to the fast.  If you fast, and you do it to earnestly and honestly seek God, he will honor that. Don't "do it until something happens", trying to force his hand - I've done that and nothing happened.


I know this seems like weird advice about depression. But if I can be honest, depression gets us (at least me) focused on me and not much else. It's when I focus on him that things happen.


My friend, there's power in the name above every other! There's healing and resotration and mercy and grace and love and renewal in the name of JESUS!
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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Mon Aug 25, 2014 5:47 pm

Excellent ! Thanks a lot. I have fasted in earlier years - but in recent years, bitterness, pain and apathy have pretty much sapped me of any desires to do much more than just get thru each day. That's not to say I'll disregard your advice. I'm taking everyone's encouragement and advice here seriously and considering all actions recommended.

I know I've got it good. I'm just in serious need of change - big life changes... I just need to start small, start somewhere... Seems the more unhappy I get, the more I try to bring myself happiness by external means - DOESN'T WORK !! Just gets worse. So I can see where fasting and denying would draw my spirit closer to the God I've ignored for so long.
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Samson

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Mon Aug 25, 2014 9:08 pm

I'll echo something that was mentioned earlier. Find you a Christian counselor/ therapist. Seriously. I don't know you from Adam other than what I've read about you here on the net, but I still sympathize with you. I've been in some dark places. And it took not only counseling, but the support of people in my church to help me get out of those places.

It's not easy. I fought myself for close to 3 years while I was being counseled. Sometimes, I kept on going, not even knowing why. Depression is a real nasty and ugly thing to deal with.  You are in my prayers, friend.
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rockerVu2

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:31 am

Guilty/Forgiven, I have no words to change your situation.
No words to encourage you or give you hope.
What came into my minds was a scripture in the Bible that helped me through a rough time.

Quote :
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.


Jeremiah 29:11-12.


What God did for me He will do for you too, indeed you and I are both His children.
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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Tue Aug 26, 2014 10:43 am

Thanks again everyone.

I guess just pray that God will make a way for me to get the help I need... at this point we're in so much debt cuz of my back surgeries... this morning I'm battling a migraine, nausea and terrible neck pain cuz of the herniated disc in my neck. It seems I'll be in for surgery on that Cervical Disc before I'll be able to afford any kind of counseling or therapy.
I just keep trying to focus on the positives and seek funny videos or pictures to laugh at in the mean-time.
Thanks for the prayers.
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bassdude

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Thu Aug 28, 2014 8:44 pm

I'll throw this in the mix.......the anger you're holding in is making the other problems worse. At least it was for me.....I very nearly killed myself thanks to depression....I learned that you have to let those feelings and emotions out or they poison everything else in your life.
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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Thu Aug 28, 2014 10:36 pm

I don't know HOW anymore... I don't know how to chip away at such a hard heart.

I still have love, I still care for people - even strangers. I still hate sin, and desire closeness to my Savior.

But I'm angry. Every morning I wake up in pain and have to face another day... some mornings have been so difficult, I've punched my bathroom wall on at least 3 different occasions (very foolish, but sometimes a rush of adrenaline like that gives me a break from my overall pain... unfortunately it gives me breaks in my knuckles too). I get pissed at patients who yell at me cuz their medication is not covered on THEIR insurance, or a myriad of other stupid ways the public treat hard workers (esp when they have no idea the person they're treating like crap is in serious pain and/or depressed)..

I'm not saying all that to make excuses... just explanations. I've chipped my teeth from gritting so hard in my pain. I've screamed out at God - if He's not gonna heal me, then just kill me !!! (again, foolish and childish)... but I know I'm in a very bad place in life. Being angry with life and what it's dealt me has poured over to anger towards God. Once someone told me if I'm ever angry with God, to just tell Him... He knows, and we should just be honest. But He deserves so much better from me. He continues to care for me, love me, reveal Himself to me... even during my pity party.

I just need to know HOW to begin a healing process where I return to my God, receive His forgiveness and quit acting like a schmuck to Him. I think deep down, despite what I know in my mind is true, I blame God for the last 10 years of pain and depression. I know it's wrong, but I can't shake it. I know He can take this pain away, but He won't... and when it's at its worse, I become more angry. I've wondered "when" the time will come when I'm suppose to get from all this what God intends for me... what I'm suppose to learn, why am I not drawing closer to Him and becoming a better person cuz of my trials. Isn't that what Scripture says about trials ?? 
I fear Him now. Not in the sense of respect and awe, but the kind of fear that someone deserving of His wrath would fear Him.

Anyways, there's obviously much more to all this, but that's the summary.
Any prayers and/or suggestions are welcome.

I keep re-reading what Kerrick wrote and it feels as though God was speaking directly thru him to me
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Staybrite

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Fri Aug 29, 2014 8:27 am

Still praying for you brother.

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kerrick

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Fri Aug 29, 2014 5:24 pm

Been praying regularly for you as well dude.  I feel that many weaker people have given up long before they ever got to where you're at - be it given up on God or life.  I commend and admire your steadfastness, persistence, and loyalty to God.  As they say, you're one tough SOB!  Wink 

I don't know why God hasn't healed you yet and really hope and pray He will SOON.  I believe though that He can and does bring great things out of suffering.  And it seems the magnitude of those are directly proportionate: the greater the suffering/tragedy/hardship, ultimately the greater glory/learning/positive-life-changes.  So with that being said, I greatly look forward to seeing what He's got in store for you and this world once all this junk is over and done with!
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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Sat Aug 30, 2014 11:37 am

Man... I get a bit misty-eyed when I read ya'all's posts here. You guys (and gal) are TRUE family and friends and I love you all so much.... I've whined about many of my health problems here over the years, and have been hesitant, thinking people here would be like "goodness, get over it.. we're sick of hearing your problems"... but that's not the case. I have seen the Hand of God Himself in your posts. I have been greatly affected in a positive way from your wisdom and love for a fellow brother.

If I can ever pay-it-forward, I will do my best. Thank you from the bottom and top of my heart for your caring input. It has helped tremendously !!!
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bassdude

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Sat Aug 30, 2014 4:20 pm

Praying for you..there are days I still struggle with depression, but they are not as often and not as severe as they used to be. You can make it through....I'm only alive today because of a miracle and I'm praying that your miracle is coming soon.

I stabbed myself in the chest with a hunting knife.....and the blade just snapped off after barely scratching my skin.
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Staybrite

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Sat Aug 30, 2014 4:29 pm

bassdude wrote:

I stabbed myself in the chest with a hunting knife.....and the blade just snapped off after barely scratching my skin.

Yikes! Shocked
That sounds like divine intervention to me.

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xenonlion

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Sat Aug 30, 2014 7:34 pm

Hello there. I also understand these feelings of just trying to get through the day and not having motivation and things like that. You are not healed right now, but this is for a reason. God wouldn't do something or not do something for no reason. God understands your pain. You can know this because Christ went through a lot of pain here on Earth. Look up promises from God that are in the Bible. There are also lots of great verses in Psalms. In Heaven there will be no more pain or sadness. That is what God wants for you, not pain. The pain is temporary. God is listening to you when you call to Him. I'm sorry if nothing in my post helps at all. I just don't want you to worry. You can vent here any time and I'll read what you type. I vent to Kerrick all the time actually. It is good to say things you are unhappy about instead of holding it all in. I'll be praying for you specifically. If God heals you now while on Earth, that is great. If He doesn't, then you can remember that you'll be given a new body without pain. It is good to take one day at a time and to not worry about tomorrow. Take your time if you can.
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bassdude

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Sat Aug 30, 2014 9:42 pm

Staybrite wrote:
bassdude wrote:

I stabbed myself in the chest with a hunting knife.....and the blade just snapped off after barely scratching my skin.

Yikes! Shocked
That sounds like divine intervention to me.
Yeah.....that's my thought as well. Snapped me out of that suicidal mindset instantly....I've had some down days, but never considered harming myself again after that.
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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Not sure how much longer...   Tue Sep 02, 2014 9:11 am

Heavy comments there people. Thanks for sharing.

I've had a couple events where I was entertaining thoughts of "leaving" as well, only to have God interupt me. I'd like to say I'd NEVER do anything like that, cuz I have so much family and people who would be affected by such a selfish act. For some, life is a balancing act - and each day is a challenge. I pray that those who are well can be encouraging and helpful to them, and those who've gone thru hell, can be an example to them.
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