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 Desire to be unhappy

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xenonlion

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PostSubject: Desire to be unhappy   Mon Mar 30, 2015 3:42 pm

Sometimes I want to be unhappy. I don't know if this happens to anyone else. I used to wonder why I would feel this way. I think i know why now. Its probably because there is a certain point where i don't feel anything. When I would hurt myself, it was because I was feeling a lot of things at once and wanted to feel numb. I didn't want to feel anything or think about my emotions. Also, when i am unhappy, I do not have as much energy so I am not so hyper. I feel like I'm annoying everyone when I get hyper.

The downsides are that I have more trouble speaking up, I cry much easier when I'm in this 'down' state, and I feel kind of empty inside sometimes. If more pressures and emotions come, I can "fall" out of this numb state and it can lead to self harm or thoughts of it.

It's really weird. I can smile and laugh, but I have less energy, etc.
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xenonlion

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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Mon Mar 30, 2015 3:46 pm

I know it's probably not good for me to be this way.
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ishmael81

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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Mon Mar 30, 2015 4:17 pm

xenonlion,

I'll pray for you to find a balance. In the meatime, have you ever seen a counselor about this? I'm no psychiatrist, but given that you're describing being "hyper" then being in a down phase where you've engaged in self injurious behavior, you may have Bipolar Disorder. If so, medication and therapy can help.

And don't be scared by this kind of thing. I know there's a stigma about mental health care but honestly, if you need it, get it. I can tell you way too many stories just from my 10 years in the field about people who didn't get care when they needed it.
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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Mon Mar 30, 2015 5:02 pm

I struggled with a lot more depression in my teens than I did as an adult. It's really a hard time and you have to allow yourself that. But remember always that it WILL pass. Times I didn't think I would pull through, I did. My family became quite concerned about me during 13 to 18 as I struggled with depression and didn't understand it. 
All I'm saying is, hang in there as I did - MEGA-BLESSINGS will come your way down the road.  Trust me, I speak the truth.
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xenonlion

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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Mon Mar 30, 2015 7:28 pm

Thanks.

I haven't done a lot of researching or studying about bipolar disorder. I dont get hyper a lot of the times. Though, when I do, I feel like I'm annoying someone. Even if I'm not. I know that people dont always show what they are thinking so I get scared even if they are nor showing any signs of annoyance. When I'm not hyper, but have a lot of energy, I tend to be more prone to saying something I regret later, which I hate.

Things should get better later on. I just wish things didn't have to be so hard now.
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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Mon Mar 30, 2015 8:57 pm

My wife has bipolar disorder..she is medicated and stable....If you have it find a good psyc and get on the meds but know it may take a little while to get the meds right...you may want to talk to a therapist...I think everyone needs a little outside counseling every once in a while...I have been going for about 2 months and it has really helped me work out a few issues..now I dont have to go anymore... Smile
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messiaen77

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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Mon Mar 30, 2015 11:25 pm

I understand completely.  Sometimes I just really want to feel sad.  I listen to music and watch movies that make me feel that way, I isolate myself emotionally from the people around me...anything I can do to bring out these feelings.  From talking with a friend about it I've concluded that I do it because I'm trying to feel something specific that I have a hard time tapping into.  Throughout my life my emotions have been difficult for me to deal with.  I have tended to move between happiness and anger and avoid sorrow at all costs.  I'm the guy who tries to lighten the mood when it gets too heavy, who comes up with the (almost always unspoken) inappropriate joke to bring a little levity.  Honestly, I think a lot of it has been having drilled into my head that Christians are supposed to have the joy of the Lord, so that doesn't leave room for being down.  More recently, I've come to believe that God created us to be emotional beings and that it is ok to live in the full range of emotion.  I've found recently that I am a more genuine and overall better person when I am willing to embrace my inner darkness and not just slap a big


on everything.
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Deepfriar

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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Tue Mar 31, 2015 6:28 am

I used to embrace sadness and depression.  It was a very long journey to get to the other side, but it's worth it because I am incredibly happy with myself now.  I actually recommend NOT listening to depressing music or watching depressing movies/TV (though I know better than anyone it's hard not to when that's what you feel).  I have no specific advice, because everyone's path is different.  Don't lose your faith in God, that's the best advice I can give.  A few years ago, I finally got to a place where I denied God and said He didn't exist (and I think I might have even believed it), and I was in a mental hospital within 48 hours.  Don't lose your faith in God, He's the best thing in this world that makes it all worth it.
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rockerVu2

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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Tue Mar 31, 2015 8:15 am

I agree with the big smile messiaen has posted.
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xenonlion

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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Tue Mar 31, 2015 3:46 pm

Oh, I haven't doubted in God. I could never do that. I know He exists. I don't blame Hik for any of my problems. I tend to blame myself for everything.
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Deepfriar

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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Tue Mar 31, 2015 6:21 pm

xenonlion wrote:
Oh, I haven't doubted in God. I could never do that. I know He exists. I don't blame Hik for any of my problems. I tend to blame myself for everything.
God doesn't blame you, why should your opinion of yourself be any different?  Smile
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xenonlion

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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Tue Mar 31, 2015 7:37 pm

I suppose. Though I don't understand why. Doesn't He want me to take responsibility for my own actions?
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Deepfriar

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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Tue Mar 31, 2015 9:50 pm

No, Jesus took responsibility for them.  Very Happy  Just love God and love others, that simple.
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xenonlion

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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Wed Apr 01, 2015 4:31 pm

I see. I always forget because I am surrounded by one teaching while trying to learn another. I forget things. My fears come back sometimes. From a young age, I've had a fear of going to hell. What I've been learning recently is so different. I forget sometimes and I beat myself up. There is still false teaching engraved in my mind that has been there for years. I'm still taught false gospels to this day.

How can I love people? How can I know that I'm truly loving someone? I am afraid of doing things just to have people say nice things or to look good. I get nervous when people compliment me, though. I don't think I do it for that. I don't know. I'm sorry I'm causing all this trouble.
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ishmael81

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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Wed Apr 01, 2015 6:06 pm

You aren't causing any trouble xenon. We've all been there or will be there at some point.
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xenonlion

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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Wed Apr 01, 2015 6:17 pm

I don't think I am loving enough. I don't reflect God's character.
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Deepfriar

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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Wed Apr 01, 2015 8:39 pm

It's not your responsibility to reflect God's character.  God's light will naturally reflect from you because we are prisms.  Just have a relationship with Him and His qualities will begin to naturally become yours.
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xenonlion

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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Thu Apr 02, 2015 3:27 pm

I see. That is true. I forget a lot. I am sorry.

I'm doing much better today. I don't know exactly how I'll be tomorrow or the day after, but today has been nice. Thank you everyone who has been trying to reach out to me.
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ishmael81

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PostSubject: Re: Desire to be unhappy   Thu Apr 02, 2015 3:49 pm

Just some good things to read if you have time...

http://reknew.org/2015/03/9-things-that-are-true-of-us-when-were-saved/
http://reknew.org/2015/04/performance-christianity-getting-over-it/
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