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PostSubject: the joke thread   Fri May 22, 2015 10:12 am

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train robber?

He told the judge he had loco motives.
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Fundy

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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Fri May 22, 2015 11:08 am

lol!

When you said it was a joke thread, I thought... maybe it's not really a thread...

Reminds me of this joke....

So I went into a joke shop and asked what they sell and the guy said 'nothing we're not a real shop'

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Three Things for a better life...
1 - Believe In Jesus.
2 - Love one another.
3 - Let God be the judge.

That is all I need to say.
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kerrick

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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Fri May 22, 2015 11:18 am

God may be the Bread Of Life... but you're the butter.† Hubba hubba
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kerrick

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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Wed Aug 19, 2015 11:59 am

Two antennae fell in love and got married. The service was nothing special, but the reception was exceptional!
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ishmael81

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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Wed Aug 19, 2015 1:49 pm

1. What do you call a pig who does karate?
†††† Pork Chop

2. Why do the Chicago Cubs like Halloween so much?
††† It's all they have to look forward to in October.

3.† A skeleton walks into a bar and says "I need a beer. And a mop."

4.†† An elderly couple go to their doctor together and tell him about their failing memory. The doctor suggests buying little pocket notebooks to jot things down in so they don't forget.

It works well for a few weeks. THen one night, the husband decides he wants some ice cream.
H: "I want some ice cream. You want some?"
W: "Sure, chocolate... aren't you going to write this down?"
H: "Nah, I got it. Chocolate."
W:"With hot fudge."
H: "Ok, chocolate, hot fudge. Got it."
W: "Oohh, and peanuts."
H: "Okay, chocolate ice cream, hot fudge, peanuts."

The husband leaves for bit and comes back with a plate. On the plate there are eggs, toast with jelly and bacon.

W: "You dope."
H: "What?"
W: "Where's my coffee?!?!"
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Xid

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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Wed Aug 19, 2015 3:10 pm

A young man in high school asks a young lady if she would like to go to his first Prom.† She accepts and he is very excited.† So he orders the flowers, rents a tux, makes dinner reservations and even rents a limo.† The day of the Prom arrives and this young man just can't wait for what's going to be the perfect evening.† He goes to the Tux Shop and finds the line is very long.† But that's all right, he allocated extra time.† Finally, he gets his tux and heads to the Limo Service.† The line here isn't as long as the Tux Shop but it's long enough and he waits patiently.† He gets his limo and has the driver take him to the flower shop.† Ugh!† Another line!† He gets his flowers, picks up his date (she loved the flowers by the way) and they head to dinner.†† The place is packed, good thing he made reservations, but he needs to use the Restroom.† So the young man excuses himself and you guessed it, he gets in line.† The rest of dinner goes well and they head off to the Prom where they stand in line again to gain entrance.† Once inside he is elated.† He asks his date if she would like some punch.† She says she would and he scurries off to the punch bowl only to find there's no punchline.
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ishmael81

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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Wed Aug 19, 2015 3:46 pm

Brilliant Xid!
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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Wed Aug 19, 2015 9:15 pm

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
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Staybrite

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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Thu Aug 20, 2015 10:14 am

ROTFL†You guys have some terrible (and funny) jokes.

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kerrick

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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Thu Aug 20, 2015 11:44 am

This one's a little PG-13 but I think appropriate enough...

My sexual fetishes have been slowly getting weirder. But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized I'd hit rock bottom.

Stupid
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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Thu Aug 20, 2015 12:32 pm

kerrick wrote:
Stupid

Agreed.
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kerrick

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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Thu Aug 20, 2015 12:34 pm

rendeer
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ishmael81

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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Thu Aug 20, 2015 1:57 pm

I thought it was funny.
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Xid

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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Thu Aug 20, 2015 2:02 pm

Oh, it's funny.† But it's still smack-your-forehead-funny.
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BearDad



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PostSubject: Church Bulletins Bloopers   Thu Aug 20, 2015 6:36 pm

Supposedly these are real, although I have no proof. I pulled these from the humor thread of another forum I belong to.


The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.†

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.†

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.†

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.†

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.†

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.†

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.†

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.†

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.†

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
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Staybrite

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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Thu Aug 20, 2015 7:05 pm

BearDad wrote:
Supposedly these are real, although I have no proof. I pulled these from the humor thread of another forum I belong to.


Shocked†You belong to another forum?!

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Xid

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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Thu Aug 20, 2015 7:52 pm

A dog walks into a bar.† He has one foot all bandaged up.† Surveying the group he hollers for all to hear, "Hey!† I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw!".
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BearDad



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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Thu Aug 20, 2015 9:08 pm

Staybrite wrote:
BearDad wrote:
Supposedly these are real, although I have no proof. I pulled these from the humor thread of another forum I belong to.


Shocked†You belong to another forum?!

http://650ccnd.com/
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BearDad



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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Thu Aug 20, 2015 9:13 pm

A string goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here. Now get out before I have you thrown out." So the string leaves.

Once outside, the string folds himself in half, makes a loop, and puts one end through the loop before straightening up. He then lays down on the side walk and rubs both ends on the ground repeatedly. Finally, he gets up, goes back into the bar, and orders a drink.

"Hey," says the bartender. "Aren't you that string that was just in here?"

"No," says the string. "I'm afraid not."
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ishmael81

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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Fri Aug 21, 2015 8:52 am

So three pastors and their wives go to a conference. The conference goes great, they leave feeling refreshed and on fire to improve their churches.

On the way home, their van is in an accident and all six of them die.

They're standing in line to see St. Peter. The first couple approaches:

"Hello, welcome to Heaven. Let me check the Book and make sure you will get in.... Let's see... No, sir, you can't."

"Why not?" asks the first pastor.

"Well pastor, you did lots of good but you worshipped money. In fact you loved it so much, you married a woman named Penny."

Poof. The Pastor disappears but his wife is allowed in.

The second couple steps up.

"Hello, welcome to Heaven. Let me check the Book and make sure you will get in.... Let's see... No, sir, you can't."

"Why not?" asks the second pastor.

"Well pastor, you did lots of good but you worshipped booze. In fact you loved it so much, you married a woman named Sherry."

Poof. The Pastor disappears but his wife is allowed in.

The third pastor hesitates.

His wife asks "What's wrong dear?"

He looks at her with great apprehension and says "I have a bad feeling about this Fanny."
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Xid

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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Fri Aug 21, 2015 11:29 am

Oh that's terrible.† But in a funny way!
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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Fri Aug 21, 2015 11:47 pm

THAT made us actually laugh ! Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: the joke thread   Sat Aug 22, 2015 11:17 am

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I donít know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
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