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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Sat Sep 12, 2015 11:34 am

My whole life has been spent avoiding people as best as possible. I cannot avoid them completely as I obviously had to participate in society and commune with people and join in relationships and stuff. But given the choice, I would've reclused into my own little world and been happy there.
Anyone else have social issues ?  I feel the majority of my social interactions are mere acts... putting on a plastic mask for the benefit of everyone else.
When I came to faith I knew God wanted me to share the faith that I was mercifully given, so I took Public Speaking in college back in 1990. Helped a little... very little.  I wanted to share my faith, but didn't know how.  I'd eventually learn that there are many ways to share your faith without handing out tracts door to door and talking to people.

I think where I'm at now is a frustrating position of living in a small town and all the social nightmares that haunt me even 30 years later... (the following is an excerpt from a post I made in the prayers section)....
Problem with living in a small town your whole life.
Those of us with crappy social skills are stuck bumping into people that used to be friends or even family, but are now awkward encounters of those who are either equally uncomfortable with me or out and out hate me.

First serious girlfriend i dated for 2 years and her family. 

Ex-wife and her family (who happen to be construction business owners in this small town).


A dictator pastor and his family and his remaining supporters from my old church who was warned many times before being ousted by 3/4th the members.

Daughter's ex-husband and his friends 

And now my oldest brother and his wife....

Really wanting to move away at this point. So sick of people. 

I guess if I look at this whole picture with an honest view, I could say that this is all my own doing, that I'm at fault here and that I shouldn't be affected by the family of a high school sweetheart from back to 1986... but tell my brain that. Tell my emotions that.  It's so hard being stuck in a mind that can't just say Que Sera Sera -It is what it is... I think about these things and have anxiety when I go out in public in this little town.  This is why I LOVE my relationships here on CHM and Facebook - distant.  I don't want to become close to anyone, or even meet anyone- as I feel that will pretty much END the relationship.  I'll do or say something stupid, or something else will happen and that's that.  End of another good friendship.

Am I unique in this, or are there others here that can relate ?
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Staybrite

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Sat Sep 12, 2015 12:54 pm

I can releate (at least somewhat).

I have grown tired with some of my wife's family because they can be so mean, picky, spiteful, petty, and secretive.  I just can't handle a lot of drama anymore and find myself making up excuses to not attend her family functions (which is unlike me).  I'm guessing that if my family lived around here I would probably feel the same about them too.

My town might not be as small as yours (about 7,000 souls here), but most of my immediate neighbors seem to hate us (with a few exceptions).  We quit trying to invite any of them to church years ago and I am sure they see us some kind of holier-than-though kind of family.  But several of them are just downright mean and/or rude.  I kid you not my immediate neighbor was all but ready to sue us over some self-contrived belief that we intentionally installed a patio to cause water to drain into their yard.  I finally got the husband to see reason (and the law was on our side) but his wife still blames us every time it rains for more than 3 days straight and she has 2-inches of standing water in 3% of her yard....But does that stop them from sending their children over to our house to borrow sugar, and eggs and our pool pump etc...No it doesn't.  What kind of people think this way?  I just don't understand it. Our only "Christian" neighbor hates us with a passion and blames us for all sorts of made up nonsense.  She finally got remarried and moved out.  Sadly she still owns the house on the other side of us and we see her all too often.  Also her step-son and my son are best friends.
I just don't understand while people have to be so vile to each other.

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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Sat Sep 12, 2015 1:29 pm

Wow... hearing about neighbors makes me a little less upset about being in a small town.  We've been blessed to have fairly good neighbors that keep to themselves.  In 19 years of living in this house, we only had a little trouble with people 2 houses over (as that's the only rental house on the block - and it invites some scary individuals). Once there were 2 kids living there who would throw rocks into our backyard and, I assume, at our dog.  Caught them doing it one day when they didn't realize Lisa and I were pulling weeds in the back yard. I chewed them kids up and told them if they ever throw rocks our way again, I'd call the cops. Never had a prob again... until the same family decided to get 2 dogs that barked NON-STOP. Drove me nuts.
Other issues in 2 decades have been minor - A wonderful next door neighbor moved away after her husband died and in moved some weird family.. the kind that don't wave to you. They ended up calling the town on our 2 little dogs for barking. The tables got turned I guess. But what upset me was, all they had to do was talk to me - I would've taken care of the problem I was unaware of. But instead they called the town and we were threatened with fixing the problem or losing our dogs. So, despite just having my 2nd back surgery, Lisa and I built a huge wood fence to block them off completely. Never had another problem since.

Other than those small issues, my neighborhood has been great !  Very blessed to live here.  I'm a little concerned though as my longtime next door friend who's lived there for over 30 years, his wife just died a few days ago and I worry that he's gonna sell - which means we could get anyone moving in immediately next door.  Sigh.
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MikeInFla

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Sat Sep 12, 2015 9:29 pm

Trust me, living 500 miles away isnt far enough. But I rarely see anyone from my past and would actually like to see some of them more. Luckily ex girlfriends are long gone and like it never happened. I have no idea where they are now and don't know their married names. I moved from my hometown in 1995. I miss Knoxville but II consider Panama City home now. 

Every once in a while someone creeps up that we don't want to hear from or see. But we never run into them in public since we are not from here.
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alldatndensum
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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Sun Sep 13, 2015 7:21 am

Most of my family are dead as is my wife's as well.  So, while there is still some family drama, it isn't much.

I love one of my neighbors and his family.  He's lived next door since we've lived here.  He lived with his dad and grandma.  When he was grown, he bought his grandma's house and is making his family there.  Good people.

On the other side is a man that only in the last 4 or 5 years has become friendly.  What changed?  His hateful first wife died and he remarried no long after that.  He went for years without speaking unless he was mad.  Now, we actually talk occasionally over the fence that he put up to keep his dogs in with.  His dog barks incessantly.  Most of the time I just ignore it.  As for the other neighbors, we have a lot of rental houses around us and the neighborhood changes frequently.  I don't know who most of these folks even are.

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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Sun Sep 13, 2015 11:44 am

Quote :
His dog barks incessantly

I  can't stand that. Nor will I allow mine to do that either. The second they bark, I go out and stop them... they pretty much know now that the second they bark, they're gonna get in trouble with me.
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xenonlion

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Sun Sep 13, 2015 3:40 pm

I can have social issues. Sometimes, I'm okay. Though, I'm usually awkward or I'm quiet. I'm quiet sometimes and loud at other times. I'm always freaking out inside when I talk to people because I often don't know what to say next.
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Xid

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Mon Sep 14, 2015 9:15 am

I hate small talk.  Once the conversation of the weather is out of the way, unless we have something to really talk about, I'm done.

I can do the extrovert thing for a while but it wears me out.
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ishmael81

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Mon Sep 14, 2015 9:29 am

I have some social issues, I guess. I was just telling my wife this weekend that I'm about done with extended family because our friends at church treat us better than most of them.

I would say I'm an extroverted introvert. I enjoy hanging with friends and social events, but sometimes I just want to be left alone.
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MikeInFla

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Mon Sep 14, 2015 9:39 am

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:
Quote :
His dog barks incessantly

I  can't stand that. Nor will I allow mine to do that either. The second they bark, I go out and stop them... they pretty much know now that the second they bark, they're gonna get in trouble with me.

Mine too. All I have to do is step outside and look at him and he knows. He's 14 now so he is getting old but all I have to do is look at him and he stops. But if he does it again I get the muzzle out and put it on as punishment. He hates it. But it works.

As for neighbors, we have lived there since 2000. The man diagonally to the right across the street is older, 70's probably. He and his wife live there and his son lives next door (he owns 4 houses on our street, one he and his wife live in and his sons live in 2 more. The 4th is empty for now). One son keeps to himself but has a string of women that come in (not a different one every night but the same one every night for about 6 months then a new one appears). The house to our right is his other son. Both of the sons are pretty good neighbors and stay quiet, other than the flow of random women at both houses. The house on our left is a couple who moved there around 1970. When we moved there in 2000 the husband told me he was 85. That was over 15 years ago so he is now over 100! They are good, quiet neighbors. Across the street diagonally to the left is a family of 6. Mom, dad, 2 sons, one son's wife and grand kid.... The sons have NEVER worked. Both over the age of 25, one I think is around 32. The only one that works is the father. The rest of the family (wife, both sons and oldest son's wife) don't work and have never  had a job. They only sit on the front porch playing on cell phones smoking cigarettes all day. My wife & I figured that on average cigs cost $4.50 a pack and there are 4 people smoking (and there are 5 there that smoke). That is 18 dollars a day for one pack each but as much as they are out there they probably smoke 2 packs a day which doubles it to $36 a day (and $4.50 is for cheap brands in Florida, normally a carton is around $50). So that is around $250 a week for 4 people to smoke 2 packs a day. That averages out to around $1000 a month with ONE income. We don't see how they afford it. But they are quiet neighbors and very friendly. We normally don't interact with anyone else on the street, most are elderly and when the elderly ones pass away the kids turn the homes into rental homes that have people in and out all the time. 

There are only 3 kids on the entire street (maybe 12 homes on our end of the street). 2 of the kids are my daughters and the other is the boy with the smoking family. He looks to be in Kindergarten or 1st Grade. He normally spends the day outside playing in his whitey-tighties while the rest of the family smokes and plays with the cell phones on the front porch. 

The closest family member is 500 miles away.
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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Mon Sep 14, 2015 11:31 am

Quote :
The sons have NEVER worked

Wow... the father ain't doing them any favors in life that's for sure. Life's gonna be a cold splash of water for them someday.

I feel bad for my immediate next door neighbor as his wife just died.  She went in for some basic check up and a cough - turns out she was full of lung cancer and a few days later she started coughing up tons of blood and just died.
Now he lives alone -but he's had a lot of company for the last couple weeks.  I feel bad for him.  He's the kind of neighbor that reminds me of Wilson from Home Improvement. Any time I'd be in the back yard he'd show up on his side of the fence and wanna chat. Again, NOT my thing... I have bad hearing, and he mumbles, so I could never understand what he was even saying, but I always tried to be nice and neighborly.
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Driven

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Mon Sep 14, 2015 8:41 pm

Living in Québec for a year has stretched me a lot. People here are very social and jovial, and it's been an adjustment. Now that I'm used to it, I love being with people much more than before. I'm still an introvert and need my quiet time, but it's not something I hold onto dearly anymore. There's something special about the Québecois that makes them "people people" and I like that. I think another factor is the love of God - being more and more conscious of His insane love has made me want to genuinely love others. I find myself actually listening to those who have issues, where I would've blown them off or listened with one ear before. "We love because he first loved us."

As far as strained relations, there are only really two people that I have trouble with, and both are in my immediate family. Last year, I had more relationships that were bad, but only by the grace of God, things have improved since.
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topshot rhit



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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Mon Sep 14, 2015 10:42 pm

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:
This is why I LOVE my relationships here on CHM and Facebook - distant.  I don't want to become close to anyone, or even meet anyone- as I feel that will pretty much END the relationship.

Dang. Guess the party's over now. So much for hoping to visit Jim some day. He put up that camera to keep us all out. I see how you are. Twisted Evil

MikeInFla wrote:
That averages out to around $1000 a month with ONE income. We don't see how they afford it.

We're paying for it. Has to be gov't help. Families all over our town sound just like that. Or drugs (at least here).

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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Mon Sep 14, 2015 11:32 pm

topshot rhit wrote:
Guilty/Forgiven wrote:
This is why I LOVE my relationships here on CHM and Facebook - distant.  I don't want to become close to anyone, or even meet anyone- as I feel that will pretty much END the relationship.

Dang. Guess the party's over now. So much for hoping to visit Jim some day. He put up that camera to keep us all out. I see how you are.  Twisted Evil


Yeh, I could lie to you and put on an act... or I could be honest and say I don't wanna get close with anyone else ever again cuz it's inevitable that someday that friendship will become wrecked by one of us saying or doing something the other doesn't like.

I mean, I'd like to still believe that a lifelong friendship is possible, but my track record is so awful that I now avoid people.
I can certainly meet someone, and be 100% authentic in conversation and interest in their lives...
So as for "visiting"? = Absolutely !  But long-term friendship, hangin' out, going bowling, confiding in each other type of friends... = never happen again.  I'm done Neutral
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MikeInFla

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Tue Sep 15, 2015 5:39 am

Here's the odd thing about my "smoking neighbors". About 6-7 years ago the wife's father died. He left them a home about 20 miles away. So they up and moved there and rented out the house on our street. All of the renters were nice quiet neighbors. Then the house was empty for about 6 months and they moved back in (maybe 3 years later). I asked one of the other neighbors why they moved back in and I was told "they squandered the inheritance and lost that home her dad left her because Steve was the only one who worked". So instead of renting the home out they just moved back in and brought all their junk cars back with them. 

I remember when the youngest son was probably in 4th or 5th grade. By 8th grade he was failing out of school, he eventually dropped out. The older son has been with the same woman since they were teens. She just moved in one day and sat on the porch all day. Then one day she got pregnant (how did THAT happen??) and so they got married. And today she sits on the front porch with her husband and brother in law and mother in law smoking all day. And when I come home from work in 2020 it will be the same. All of them will be on the front porch except the dad who will be at work with the county. 

But I have nothing against them, really, They are well mannered boys and are always nice when I speak to any of them. 

A coworker came to my house one day and he said something like "I've been on this street before, probably 20 years ago. My son used to play ball with another boy on this street. The parents let the boy and the younger one do whatever they wanted. They enabled the boys and always got them out of trouble when they got in it. They were the type of kids who would milk their parents and probably never get a job". I replied "Oh, you must mean that house because there are two sons there one in his 30's the other in mid 20's and neither of them have EVER had a job". Then he asked "Is the dad named Steve?" I said "that's them, still enabling both of them and a daughter in law".

It would almost be comical to take a picture of all of them on the porch but 1: They would see me and 2: While funny it wouldn't be Christ-like to make fun of someone because they don't have a job or are just plain lazy. (and they aren't sick just suffer from LAZINESS).
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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Tue Sep 15, 2015 9:28 am

Like I said, the Enabler is not doing them a favor. 

We ain't perfect, but one thing we strove to do with our kids was to make them independent. From very young we trained them how to take care of themselves, how to earn a living, how to balance a checkbook, etc.  My wife always said "we're not raising a child, we're raising an adult".  In other words, it's OK to let a child be a child and play and have fun, but at the end of the day it's all about training the child to be an adult. An adult who can survive on their own without any outside help. It worked... today my son is high on the ladder where he works, making good money and hasn't asked for a dime since he moved out at 18 (another thing we required was for our kids to leave home at 18 whether they were ready or not). My daughter did 8 years of college and now has a master's degree currently making 6 digits. Yes, we're proud. We pushed them to their potential and refused to let them spend all hours in front of some video game console. 
While many of their friends are still working fast food, living with their parents, or on state support... they're established in serious careers with serious relationships and on many occasions have told us they are so happy that we raised them the way we did.
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bassdude

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Tue Sep 15, 2015 2:40 pm

By nature I am a loner and could happily go long periods of time without speaking to anyone....but I married a woman who is very social and outgoing who has helped me come out of my shell quite a bit. I still need to go off and be alone sometimes and large social gatherings stress me out pretty quickly, but I'm WAY better than I used to be.
I'm also in a service industry and have to deal with the public all day....I've gotten really good at turning on the charm and making good connections with people, but sometimes I feel like I'm just faking.
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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Tue Sep 15, 2015 3:02 pm

I could say DITTO to almost everything you just said bassdude, but especially:
Quote :
but I married a woman who is very social and outgoing who has helped me come out of my shell quite a bit
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topshot rhit



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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Tue Sep 15, 2015 7:57 pm

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:
Yeh, I could lie to you and put on an act... or I could be honest and say I don't wanna get close with anyone else ever again cuz it's inevitable that someday that friendship will become wrecked by one of us saying or doing something the other doesn't like.

Well, then they aren't a very good friend to begin with. Like you could ever please anyone 100% of the time? I suspect Lisa would laugh at that. Sure know my wife would at least. Razz

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Staybrite

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Wed Sep 16, 2015 10:19 am

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:

I mean, I'd like to still believe that a lifelong friendship is possible, but my track record is so awful that I now avoid people.
I can certainly meet someone, and be 100% authentic in conversation and interest in their lives...
So as for "visiting"? = Absolutely !  But long-term friendship, hangin' out, going bowling, confiding in each other type of friends... = never happen again.  I'm done Neutral

Well if I lived anywhere near you I would be coming over to your house and MAKE you be my friend!!!!
Fight

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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Sun Sep 20, 2015 9:13 am

Staybrite- to use the silly candy coated phrase = we are kindred spirits.
I believe we'd be able to hang and develop a strong friendship for sure !!

But in the back of my mind I'd always worry about saying or doing something stupid and lose that precious friendship. I know... a bit paranoid... but my experiences have made me a bigger recluse than ever before. 
That's not to say I wouldn't love to meet you and hang out on occasion. Like I said before, a casual distant friendship works for me.... but anything with long term intentions terrifies me at this stage of my life. Guess it's a mental problem ... sigh
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Staybrite

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Mon Sep 21, 2015 2:37 pm

It does sound like more of an insecurity issue to me (not that I'm a shrink or anything).
  
Really good friends are willing to over-look the faults in others and like them just because they are who they are (kind of like you love your kids no matter what stoopidity they commit).  I'm just gonna love you despite your "insecurity issues"!
geek

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Guilty/Forgiven

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Mon Sep 21, 2015 6:47 pm

It's true what you said. I mean, even though I'm really upset with my brother and his wife, I still love them - I can't deny that. In a way I think that's what makes it even worse... if I could easily deny that love, then it wouldn't bother me as much. Idk.
Scripture says there's a friend that sticks closer than a brother. 
I've yet to meet that friend... but I'm sure if I met some peeps here st CHM, I'm sure I'd find that friend. Who knows. I'd prolly be the problem in the relationship cuz I have social "issues" ie baggage that I'd hafta work thru.
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Through The Dark Radio

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PostSubject: Re: Anyone else have Social Issues ?   Tue Sep 22, 2015 3:35 pm

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:
It's true what you said. I mean, even though I'm really upset with my brother and his wife, I still love them - I can't deny that. In a way I think that's what makes it even worse... if I could easily deny that love, then it wouldn't bother me as much. Idk.
Scripture says there's a friend that sticks closer than a brother. 
I've yet to meet that friend... but I'm sure if I met some peeps here st CHM, I'm sure I'd find that friend. Who knows. I'd prolly be the problem in the relationship cuz I have social "issues" ie baggage that I'd hafta work thru.

Thank goodness none of us aren't Bearing Gruesome Cargo.
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