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alldatndensum
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PostSubject: Just feeling pretty low   Sat Nov 28, 2015 7:21 pm

I'm just in a bad place right now. I'm disgusted with the guitars I am trying to build as I keep running into problems. I am to the point of wanting to smash them into toothpicks.

I am disgusted with making music as I just don't seem to have the ability to play what I hear in my head. Even if I do, I'll never find a band to play it. Before you encourage me to have hope, 12 years is long enough. I am done hoping. It ain't happening, folks.

I am disgusted with myself for putting back on nearly 30 pounds after losing it two years ago. Why keep trying if I am just gonna blow it again and again?

I am disgusted with not having any friends outside of message boards. I seriously have no one other than my wife that I can spend time. I am lonely and feel like there is something wrong with me for being unable to find friends or keep them.

I am disgusted with losing more and more people from my church as we transform into an old person church with no hope of survival. We're stuck in the 1950's and most of the older generation likes it that way. I hate watching the 40 and under check out and leave. They are leaving but they aren't going elsewhere. We've hit an iceburg and no one seems to notice that we are sinking fast.

So, in a nutshell, I am disgusted and tired of praying about all this. I feel like God quit listening to my prayers years ago. I see the same requests that I've made for years and nothing changes. To be honest, I don't even know if I want to believe anymore. Others have these grand testimonies and seem to have God moving in their lives. When the hell is my turn? Or, is this just my lot in life to believe in things that don't change just to set myself up for more failure and heartache? If this is as good as it gets, why bother? I'd be better off just disappearing and becoming a hermit. At least I'd never have to worry about dreaming and it never happening.

All I can do is ask you to pray. I don't want a bunch of empty platitudes about how I need to keep hanging on and believing. I don't need a bunch of inspirational quotes or memes that are supposed to make me feel better but only make it worse. Just pray. That's it.

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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Sat Nov 28, 2015 7:40 pm

Wow, now I feel bad about my life.
I have no friends outside of the internet.
I am so disillusioned with "church" that I haven't been in nearly 6 months...and when I do go I feel like I don't belong.
I gained back the 20 pounds I lost a 18 months ago, and found ten more. Tried exercising again three months ago and saw zero results in 3 weeks so I just gave up....again.
I don't like my job anymore (but feel I don't really have the right to complain because I am gainfully employed and make decent money). But I'm tired of working 50+ hours a week and getting paid for 35.
I've never made a single musical instrument in my entire life, and I'm only a passable amateur guitarist at best. I'd really like to get a new acoustic guitar (as I gave my old one to my son) but I think it would be a waste of money since I have little talent and will likely never play for an audience again.

All this to tell you that you are not in your boat alone. I'm right there with you (or at least in one right next to you).

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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Sat Nov 28, 2015 8:32 pm

Quote :
I am so disillusioned with "church" that I haven't been in nearly 6 months...and when I do go I feel like I don't belong.

It is worse when you actually work for a church. You can stay home without getting fired and losing half of your income.

Quote :
I've never made a single musical instrument in my entire life, and I'm only a passable amateur guitarist at best. I'd really like to get a new acoustic guitar (as I gave my old one to my son) but I think it would be a waste of money since I have little talent and will likely never play for an audience again.

You probably have more talent than you know. I am not a great musician, but I can stay in tune and keep up with a lot of other players. It is just a waste to have an ability and not be able to use it. When I try to record, though, I am reminded of how feeble some of my abilities are. The recorder doesn't lie. Not having access to musicians locally to assist with finishing a project makes me more frustrated. But, if you talk about giving up, no one listens (except for you) and tells you that you have to keep going because it is what God wants. Really? That just accentuates the fact that I don't feel like I've heard from Him in some time despite praying.

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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Sat Nov 28, 2015 8:51 pm

Chris, have you thought about changing the course? (Not your faith, just the things you do.) If things aren't working, and haven't been for some time, do you think you need to try something else? Do you feel led to find another church? Another hobby? Another area of ministry? These are just questions, not suggestions.

I've been there. Maybe not with an instrument, but I've experienced plenty of dry seasons. And I'm not going to lie. It really sucks. I've have my share (and still do) of days where I wish God would just kill me and get it over with. Most of us here have. You, me, G/F, staybrite, and I'm sure there are others.

If you're up to it, make some changes. If they backfire, no great loss. Getting knocked down isn't going to end anytime soon. Just be sure to get back up.

You are not alone. I am praying for you.
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alldatndensum
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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Sat Nov 28, 2015 9:33 pm

Quote :
Chris, have you thought about changing the course? (Not your faith, just the things you do.) If things aren't working, and haven't been for some time, do you think you need to try something else? Do you feel led to find another church? Another hobby? Another area of ministry? These are just questions, not suggestions.

And do what? To be honest, if I changed it all, I am afraid that I'd find that I am as empty and worthless as I currently feel. Besides, to change anything would mean that I'd have to find a new dream. I cannot stand to have them dashed again.

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rockerVu2

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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Sun Nov 29, 2015 7:32 am

Praying for you.
You are not alone in some things.
The friends I have are online friends.
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Fundy

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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Sun Nov 29, 2015 3:41 pm

Nothing much I can say, but praying here too.

Just quickly here's three little things I always think of when I think of you...
You used one set of my lyrics on an album. That made my year!
You were willing to be the middle man when Disciple wouldn't send T-shirts over seas all those years ago! I still have all those. I was dead chuffed when you did that for me. Made me smile for weeks!
You created this forum, which I check every day (pretty much), and it feels like family.

Thank you.

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Xid

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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Sun Nov 29, 2015 4:54 pm

Here's something I wrote a few years ago:

Quote :
Discouragement

Does anybody else here go through bouts of discouragement? I know I sure do. And I'm also learning that it's nothing more than a spiritual attack to keep me from moving forward and getting things done. In fact, I went through it again earlier this month.

I can't recall a single time where anybody has said that I wasn't good enough. Or that I just suck. In fact it's been quite the opposite. I've heard time, and time again, even when I was still learning to play bass, "Dude! I love the way you play!"

So why do I get discouraged? Because the enemy of my soul doesn't wish for me to succeed. Especially in areas where the work is to the benefit of the Lord. So instead of dealing with it myself, I'm proclaiming to my peers: I'm feeling discouraged! I don't feel adequate! I feel like I should just give up! There. I got it off my chest.

Now, before anybody responds with words of encouragement, I'm not trying to get sympathy. I'm not looking for an ego stroke. I don't need a "There, there you're good enough". What I am looking for is if anybody else feels this way, consider the source of it. If you have no reason to think your work is less than adequate, then ol' Lucifer and/or his minions are up their same old tricks. Kick those thoughts right out of your head, stand up and say, "I know I'm somebody 'cuz God don't make no junk!"

In Psalm 139:14 David says, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. The King James says and that my soul knoweth right well. I am fearfully and wonderfully made and my soul knows it right well!

God has given us gifts and talents. As long as we are honing and using those for Him, then we are doing what we need to be doing. And we need to keep on keepin' on!

Personally I feel very average. I feel that most of the music I create is average. Why? Because a lot of it comes easy for me. There's not a lot of challenge. Therefore I figure since it has come easy, and I'm average, then my music must be average too. It's the old "If I can do it, anybody can" mentality. Or if something isn't coming out right I think I've lost my touch. You know what? Stuff happens. Sometimes it takes a lot of work. A lot of tweaking. A lot of fine tuning. And sometimes you have to start over. So what? I had to start it over. Big deal. Like nobody else makes mistakes? Creating music, painting pictures with words or anything else we might do takes effort. Sure there are times when it just comes together in a snap. But those other times require blood, sweat and tears. Those are the times we can't let discouragement conquer us.

What's funny is usually I start things off with excitement. I'm literally giddy with anticipation of the possibilities. Then when it comes to nearing completion, or to the presentation, I get discouraged. It happened recently. I'm currently working with Dan & Barb Johnson on Santyfied's new CD. I'm also working on a song with a guy named Glenn. When it came time to send Glenn the link to the rough, the thoughts that it's not good enough came in. I almost didn't send it. I also felt that Dan & Barb were going to tell me I'm not going to cut it and find somebody else. Somebody better. Now Dan & Barb nor Glenn haven't had anything negative to say about my creativity or my abilities. So why am I feeling this way? Because it's a button Satan knows he can push.

Not any more. I'm making my stand and refuse to listen to the naysayer any longer. I am going to keep on keepin' on. I'm going to do what I do the way I do it because that's how I do it. And if Satan doesn't like it, he doesn't need to listen. Old Scratch can go sit on a tack for all I care.

I'm God's kid. And God's kids aren't junk. Therefore I'm going to fingerpaint to the best of my ability and let God put it on the door of His 'fridge.
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Driven

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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Sun Nov 29, 2015 11:17 pm

I've had a month of "meh" and "bleh" myself. It started on October 30 when I was hit with a lot of self-examination I had to do, and things were alright after about a week, but since then, things just went downhill. I've lost a lot of my patience and drive and energy and desire to hang out with the students here, and I've been getting upset over tiny little things for nothing. And the thing is, I know who I am in Christ. I know I'm a new creature, and the old has passed away, and all has become new, and I am His righteousness as He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us. I know all this, and I've been truly living with that in mind since the end of July, and knowing victory after victory and this past month has just been me returning to my old habits, even if I know what the truth is. I don't get it. So trust me, you're not the only one feeling down. As easy as it is to say and hard to apply, remember who you are, all of you (in particular alldat and Staybrite). You are children of God, and you are not a sinner. You may sin, and you may be discouraged (not necessarily connected), but as Petra put it, salvation ain't a feeling.
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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Mon Nov 30, 2015 9:00 am

I never have forgotten that when I felt pretty low you have made many "rescue missions" for me.
Those "rescue missions"were a blessing for me for many, many days.
It brought a smile on my face.

CHM is a home for all of us.
Here are friends who listen to you, cheer you up when you need that, pray for you and simple be there when you need them.
That's why CHM is a blessing for all of us.
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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Mon Nov 30, 2015 11:12 pm

Prayin' for ya my friend. I can relate to some of what you're going thru, and understand the feelings of not wanting to hear the same things from people.

I wish, and I mean this seriously, I wish that we all lived closer together. It would be amazingly cool to hang out with you all. I'm possibly gonna hook up with Kerrick soon as he'll be in the area - I'm looking forward to that ! I just wish I could hang out with everyone here. I feel like I'm already best friends with several of you, and yet we've never officially met.
Chris, if you're ever in Southern California, let's hook up and hang out. We can hit some music shops and just chat about whatever. I'd really dig that.
Also, if you need anything at all, do NOT hesitate to contact me. I mean it. I'm here for ya. Again, I mean it ! No memes, no Precious Moments sayings, no pat-answers... just a friend, a brother who cares.
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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Mon Nov 30, 2015 11:17 pm

Oh and hey, XID, good write up there ! I can relate to that, and appreciate it. Very cool !
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Xid

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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Tue Dec 01, 2015 10:13 am

Thank you. That came from a large bout of discouragement I had back in '07.
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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Tue Dec 01, 2015 12:41 pm

Hey Chris, I'm praying. As with the other folks, I want to tell you you aren't alone. I feel like I'm fighting off a bout of borderline depression right now. I know how frustrating it is to have a vision but not feel like you are able to make it happen.

I just noticed something--look at our ages. With the exception of Yvonne and Andre (who are old enough to be our grandparents Shocked ), we are all roughly mid-40s. Whether you buy into the psychobabble or not, "mid-life crisis" is a real thing. Maybe not the buy a sports car and start trying to score with 20 year old swimsuit models thing, but we get to this point in our lives where we start to really come to grips with our own mortality and we see the time when we leave the workforce coming up quickly. We men are socialized to see our value in what we do, the work of our hands, and when we aren't satisfied with what we are doing, we become dissatisfied with our whole lives. I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but I just want you to know that it is real, it is normal, and you are far from alone.

As for the God thing, yeah, been there too. I don't know if it helps or not, but St. John of the Cross talked about the "dark night of the soul" where we feel like we are all alone, totally abandoned by God, as time of great spiritual growth where God removes the sense of his presence from us so that we learn to walk in faith even when the object of our faith seems to not be there. Like I said, maybe that doesn't help you, but it is something I think about in those moments.

I've also sorta been where you are with a church that seems content to cater to the old folks to the detriment of the younger generations. It is so frustrating! My solution was to go somewhere else, but honestly, I was not at all invested in that church except for a small group of friends we had made.

All in all, many prayers my friend. Feel free to vent/gripe/rant whatever you need in my direction.
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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Wed Dec 02, 2015 8:56 am

hmm ... I wish I had a wife that wanted to spend time with me.
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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Wed Dec 02, 2015 4:39 pm

Quote :
"mid-life crisis" is a real thing.

Firm believer of that here. Used to think it was a silly excuse for men to engage in foolish behaviour, but now that I'm "here", I realize it's an actual thing !
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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Wed Dec 02, 2015 4:55 pm

Alldat wrote:
I am disgusted with not having any friends outside of message boards. I seriously have no one other than my wife that I can spend time. I am lonely and feel like there is something wrong with me for being unable to find friends or keep them.

I would love to have a Christian buddy who was into music to hang out with and hit music stores and concerts and stuff.
To be completely honest about myself though, I've always been anti-social. Oh not on social-media like this or FB - partly cuz of the anonymity, but mostly cuz I've never been good at the whole "social thing". I feel more comfortable typing well thought out sentences rather than chatting in person. I believe the reason for this is partly my Dad's dna (he's very anti-social), and partly a very low self esteem. I've never thought much of myself or what I have to say... especially since much of my life I felt ignored, or would get interrupted when I was talking... as if I wasn't even there.
I have, however, gotten much better in recent years. Not long ago I would avoid social gatherings at all costs. But lately I've been better and have actually enjoyed myself in the company of others.

But yeh, I'd love to have a Christian buddy who I could hang out with. I love my wife -she's my best friend, and we do most everything together, but she has a superficial enjoyment of music, doesn't care to enter a thrift store or music store, doesn't like "collecting" of any kind (though I could argue that while standing in her closet -haha), she doesn't care to talk about music or bands (though she humors me), and she thinks flipping thru albums is a huge waste of time and money.
Sigh....
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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Thu Dec 03, 2015 10:15 am

An interesting take (and a short read) I thought may help. If not, sorry.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/practical-faith/what-do-when-youre-bored-your-faith
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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Thu Dec 03, 2015 10:14 pm

I watched some Mr. Bean videos with some friends. I feel better now.
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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Thu Dec 03, 2015 10:44 pm

Enjoy a bit of humor

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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Sat Dec 05, 2015 7:56 am

Don't worry. *hug*
I guess my advice for the friend thing would be to find people with similar interests and get to know them.
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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Sat Dec 05, 2015 1:44 pm

I don't seem to be able to FIND people in day to day life with the same interests. I have always been a bit of a nerd that tends to repel other humanoids.

As for the guitar building--I put it on hold temporarily. I wanted to focus more on my music. So, I have kept pushing and am nearly done with the new Christmas song that I was having trouble with. I have really had to push myself with playing slide guitar. I am also redoing some stuff on last year's Christmas song. I may try to release a 2 song EP for only a buck to introduce my new project. I think I am seriously gonna call myself: Chris Dickens & D'Bare Bones Band. My wife suggested it and it has a nice ring to it. It kind of takes away any connotation of what you are in for. Keeping Mission Of One for the name right now would just be confusing to folks with what they are expecting. So, this might be a good way to judge the overall reaction to the new name and style.

Hopefully, you'll be able to hear the new song soon.

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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Sat Dec 05, 2015 2:09 pm

alldatndensum wrote:
I don't seem to be able to FIND people in day to day life with the same interests. I have always been a bit of a nerd that tends to repel other humanoids.
I can totally relate to that, makes me happy that we have this community so I know I am not the only one in the world.


alldat wrote:
.... I may try to release a 2 song EP for only a buck to introduce my new project. I think I am seriously gonna call myself: Chris Dickens & D'Bare Bones Band. My wife suggested it and it has a nice ring to it. It kind of takes away any connotation of what you are in for. Keeping Mission Of One for the name right now would just be confusing to folks with what they are expecting. So, this might be a good way to judge the overall reaction to the new name and style.

Great idea (both of them)...dig the name and the 2-song EP/single/maxi-single

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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Sat Dec 05, 2015 3:04 pm

alldatndensum wrote:
I think I am seriously gonna call myself: Chris Dickens & D'Bare Bones Band.
I like it!
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PostSubject: Re: Just feeling pretty low   Sat Dec 05, 2015 7:48 pm

alldatndensum wrote:
My wife suggested it and it has a nice ring to it.

Twenty-one years of marriage has taught me that wise men listen to their wives. Ok, I may be a slow learner since it has only been in the past couple of years that I've started to live that, but it is true nonetheless.

Looking forward to the song and I do like the name.
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