The Dating and Relationships Thread!

Ok so instead of hijacking the Random Ramblings thread, I figured I'd start a new one.    We can have one spot where we share experiences, advice, and updates on dating and marriage, etc.  The older, experienced, and more relationally -situated of the folks here can impart some of their wisdom upon us young punks - as well as receive some entertainment as we blunder through our own experiences!  To start off, I began to post in the Random Ramblings thread this:

kerrick wrote:

I posted this on CMR too but...  Hahahahaha ok so I may be in for an awkward evening tonight!  Backstory:  My parents recently changed churches and have started going to the church I've been going to for the past three-plus years.  They began volunteering and they just adore the gal who's in charge of the specific ministry they're volunteering through.  She's coming over to their place for dinner tonight.  She happens to be Christian, female, and roughly my age - i.e. the perfect candidate to date their son (me)!  So naturally my parents have invited me along for dinner...  I wasn't going to, but I realized that a) I have no shame anymore, b) I'll get free food, and c) why not?  So I may have some awkward moments to recount here in a few hours... 

alldatndensum wrote:

kerrick wrote:

Dinner was fine by the way.  She's pretty great; I'll give my parents kudos for good taste haha.  Not sure what a next step would be - or if there there should be any next step?  Hard to say.

Try befriending her on Facebook.  Or, try calling her and just talking for a while.  Don't do it everyday, and don't wait to long.  If after a couple of phone calls, try this old fashioned thing called "a date".  It doesn't have to be super romantic or expensive at first.  If you find out she likes coffee, invite her to Starbucks or whatever you have in your area.  She can meet you there the first time.  Just get to know her a bit.  At worst, you'll have a new friend.  But, this could be the person God intended for you.  If you don't call her, you will never know.

Now, I should change my name to The Luv Guru! 

Ok Mr. Luv Guru,  here are a few more details and my thoughts/concerns.  For one, I was surprisingly nervous last night.  I don't typically get nervous around girls but for some reason I was last night.  That caught me off guard.  Perhaps because I knew it was kinda a set-up but was wondering if she figured that out or not?  I dunno.  I don't think too much of my nervousness/awkwardness got out though.    However, I feel I need to give a little context to my church...  It caters to a much younger crowd and therefore there are a lot of raging hormones all over the place, thus creating a bizarre and oftentimes awkward scene for dating.  Because of course there's lots of gossip too.  This gal recently moved to the area and is on staff at my church.  High profile gal, probably bombarded with guys (because she's very attractive, super smart, extremely friendly, and overall what I'd consider a total catch), and to top it off, she eluded last night to not knowing how long she'd be here in Santa Cruz.  So my concerns are, 1) she may not be interested in any dating relationship due to possibly moving, 2) dating within the church is a big risk for the both of us (I've done it before and it's gone ok... but others before me have gone through the ringer because of it), and 3) my own lack of confidence (I realize I'm actually pretty intimidated by her - which is also not typical of me).  If I'm going to do something, I wanna go all the way and feel like friending on facebook doesn't communicate much confidence for me.  A date I think would be best, but I've gotta get to know her better first.  Fortunately, I have many allies who I may be able to get to help to organize some group things and such.  (I've been going to this church for some time and have many friends there.)  I'll keep y'all posted.

Here's the other catch though.  To be very honest, I've been struggling with loneliness for some time.  The last gal I dated started off really well.  And for the first time in my [albeit, limited] dating experience, I felt like I was "doing it right" and was continuously seeking to put God first in it - rather than I've done in the past by making it all about me, her, or "us."  I realized during that time just how much I seek that hope for a future with someone, loving on someone in that context, and all the purpose, motivation, meaning, and fulfillment I received from it.  When that ended, I felt all the more hollow inside because I got a taste of what I've been desiring for so long.  Since then (I think we broke up in June?), I've been putting a lot of effort to seek God first and not to dwell on that hollowness/yearning I have.  It's been a struggle but I think I'm making headway.  Recently, my Bible study went through the story of Exodus and how the Israelites were miraculously provided manna and instead of being grateful, they asked for meat.  Dang, that is me to a "T"!  God has given me SO MUCH and all I want is more!  Also, in my morning devotions, I've been going through Colossians and 3:2 really hit me hard: "set your minds on things above, not earthly things."  I spent quite a while praying last night asking God to forgive me for seeking my own selfish desires and not even thinking about His plans for me and my life.  Here I am praying for love to "fulfill" my own desires and not even thinking about how God may want to use me in that way.  I think I have a lot to offer in that regard (stability, respect, encouragement, etc.) but I haven't even thought about how God may want to use those gifts/abilities He's given me to love and encourage whoever "she" is, and furthermore, how He may want to use "us" as a couple to love on and encourage others and do work for God's kingdom.  SO... all that to say, am I even remotely ready to enter into a relationship, were the opportunity to arise???

Wow, ok I had no intention of making this post that long.  Sorry guys and kudos to whoever actually reads through all that!  Y'all are great.

(yes I did read all of that   )
and here's the key in all of what you said:

Quote :

Colossians and 3:2 really hit me hard: "set your minds on things above, not earthly things."

I'll make my long story short: It took me 2 years after my divorce to quit seeking for "the one" (as I was very lonely living by myself for that 2 years)... I not only QUIT seeking her, I decided in my heart that if God were to never bring "the one" to me and He asked me to serve and seek after Him alone the rest of my life... then so be it. It was at that point when I gave all to Him and was TRULY willing, in my heart, to be totally His and not worry about or seek anyone else to share my life with....
that's when He brought Lisa into my life. (That's a very shortened version - if you're ever bored, I'll tell ya the long version   ).
Phase 2 in this whole relationship thing came when I decided in my heart that she was so important to me that if (and this is a hypothetical "if" cuz this is not how God works) IF God gave me a choice that either I could be with Him for all eternity and she would not make it, or I could forfeit my eternity so she could be with God for eternity and I would be eternally separated in torment... I chose hell in her place. Now mind you, this is all an attitude and matter of the heart... it's not a Biblical thing. But I realized I loved her so much that I would choose hell so she wouldn't have to, that's when I took my relationship so seriously that I've been everything to her. My desire is to love her as Christ loves the Church and gave Himself for the Church.
17 years later and though we live in this crappy life of pain and problems, we have an amazing relationship that grows everyday.

Wow! What an awesome post! My advice is establish a friendship first. Get to know her find out her likes and dislikes. Get to know each other and see if your personalities gel. The best advice I could give you is don't look for the right person; BE the right person. 

Now I don't want to hijack this thread by talking about myself but our story is pretty interesting and funny. I'll share it with you if you'd like.

Quote :

I haven't even thought about how God may want to use those gifts/abilities He's given me to love and encourage whoever "she" is, and furthermore, how He may want to use "us" as a couple to love on and encourage others and do work for God's kingdom.  SO... all that to say, am I even remotely ready to enter into a relationship, were the opportunity to arise???

If you are asking questions like this, then I would think that you are ready.  You are very concerned about God's plan for you.  That plan may well include a significant other/spouse. 

Also, an official date might not be what you need.  Like I said, a shorter invite to Starbucks or something neutral like this could be a great way to have an ice breaker without too much of a commitment.  Do this a couple of times and spend the time getting to know her.  If things don't go well, then you aren't going to be in a place where you are going to get hurt.  If things do seem to be starting well, then you can always do dinner/movie or whatever fun things that you discover that you like.  Just let her know when you are ready to date that you wish to pursue her but also pursue the Lord together.  If she knows you want a godly mate and agrees with you, you may well have had "the one" handed to you.  You won't know, however, if you don't call her.

Actually, don't call her.  Make it a point to see her tomorrow at church, thank her for the dinner with your folks, and then see if she wants to grab something at a local Starbucks or the coffee shop at Books-A-Million or ice cream or whatever.  Don't ask for a ton of time, but be prepared to take it if she's interested.

I'm preparing my Luv Guru bill for you now. 

You guys are giving really good advice.

Guilty/Forgiven wrote:

(yes I did read all of that   )
and here's the key in all of what you said:

Quote :

Colossians and 3:2 really hit me hard: "set your minds on things above, not earthly things."

I'll make my long story short: It took me 2 years after my divorce to quit seeking for "the one" (as I was very lonely living by myself for that 2 years)... I not only QUIT seeking her, I decided in my heart that if God were to never bring "the one" to me and He asked me to serve and seek after Him alone the rest of my life... then so be it. It was at that point when I gave all to Him and was TRULY willing, in my heart, to be totally His and not worry about or seek anyone else to share my life with....
that's when He brought Lisa into my life. (That's a very shortened version - if you're ever bored, I'll tell ya the long version   ).
Phase 2 in this whole relationship thing came when I decided in my heart that she was so important to me that if (and this is a hypothetical "if" cuz this is not how God works) IF God gave me a choice that either I could be with Him for all eternity and she would not make it, or I could forfeit my eternity so she could be with God for eternity and I would be eternally separated in torment... I chose hell in her place. Now mind you, this is all an attitude and matter of the heart... it's not a Biblical thing. But I realized I loved her so much that I would choose hell so she wouldn't have to, that's when I took my relationship so seriously that I've been everything to her. My desire is to love her as Christ loves the Church and gave Himself for the Church.
17 years later and though we live in this crappy life of pain and problems, we have an amazing relationship that grows everyday.

That is powerful; thank you!  Also, I'd love to hear your story.  This is the proper thread for it!  I didn't make this thread to just talk about me.     It's been my philosophy for some time now that no one should ever "fill a gap" by someone else - but rather to learn to stand strong as an individual rooted in Christ first, completed, THEN add to the mix to create a bond that is beyond "complete" in that way, if that makes sense?  Anyways, you exemplified that and and have encouraged me to maintain that philosophy.    Easier said than done though.  It's encouraging to know that it can be done!  How did you accomplish that?  Just what did letting it all go look like for you?  Thank you again!

She Eats Cheese wrote:

Wow! What an awesome post! My advice is establish a friendship first. Get to know her find out her likes and dislikes. Get to know each other and see if your personalities gel. The best advice I could give you is don't look for the right person; BE the right person. 

Now I don't want to hijack this thread by talking about myself but our story is pretty interesting and funny. I'll share it with you if you'd like.

Agreed!  An awesome post indeed.  Yes, this last go-round for me we were friends first for about a year and that was a really positive thing.  Two of my best friends last year realized that they really liked each other a lot - having been friends with each other for about a year prior too.  I've known him since we were in kindergarten and her for three or so years.  It's one of the healthiest and just downright good relationships I've seen.  Friends first if possible.

BEING the right person rather than LOOKING FOR the right person is something really quite profound and something I certainly need to work on.  As I lamented earlier, I've been seeking that right person without thinking about my effect/purpose/usefulness on them or God's kingdom.  Thank you for that reminder!  I think in a sense that goes back to what G/F was saying about where to put one's focus and seek God first.  Everything else will fall into place as He sees fit.

Also, I'd love to hear your story!  As I said above, this is definitely the right thread for it!!!

alldatndensum wrote:

Quote :

I haven't even thought about how God may want to use those gifts/abilities He's given me to love and encourage whoever "she" is, and furthermore, how He may want to use "us" as a couple to love on and encourage others and do work for God's kingdom.  SO... all that to say, am I even remotely ready to enter into a relationship, were the opportunity to arise???

If you are asking questions like this, then I would think that you are ready.  You are very concerned about God's plan for you.  That plan may well include a significant other/spouse. 

Also, an official date might not be what you need.  Like I said, a shorter invite to Starbucks or something neutral like this could be a great way to have an ice breaker without too much of a commitment.  Do this a couple of times and spend the time getting to know her.  If things don't go well, then you aren't going to be in a place where you are going to get hurt.  If things do seem to be starting well, then you can always do dinner/movie or whatever fun things that you discover that you like.  Just let her know when you are ready to date that you wish to pursue her but also pursue the Lord together.  If she knows you want a godly mate and agrees with you, you may well have had "the one" handed to you.  You won't know, however, if you don't call her.

Actually, don't call her.  Make it a point to see her tomorrow at church, thank her for the dinner with your folks, and then see if she wants to grab something at a local Starbucks or the coffee shop at Books-A-Million or ice cream or whatever.  Don't ask for a ton of time, but be prepared to take it if she's interested.

I'm preparing my Luv Guru bill for you now. 

Thank you sir for the kind words of encouragement.  I'm not sure if anyone is ever "ready" but I know some people are specifically "NOT ready" hahaha.  Not sure which boat I'm in yet...

Well unfortunately we attend different church services.  I thinks she goes to the 9:00am and I go to the 7:00pm service.  But since she works at the church, maybe I'll see her tonight?  We'll see...  I tend to take things pretty slowly which has usually worked out alright, though it may be time to step it up a bit.

Send me the bill and I'll get your check in the mail asap!

xenonlion wrote:

You guys are giving really good advice.

I know!  Seriously.     Y'all are absolutely wonderful.  If I could give everyone a big hug right now, I would.   

Also, this gal is just one of four ladies who friends and family are currently attempting to set me up with haha.  Thus far nothing more than friendly threats have been made to introduce the others to me though so nothing to report yet on that.  But things might get interesting in the near future...

kerrick wrote:

Y'all are absolutely wonderful.  If I could give everyone a big hug right now, I would.   

That's how I feel whenever I talk to you guys.

If I were in Kerrick shoes, I would be really overwhelmed because of there being multiple people that family and friends want him to be with. What should Kerrick or anyone else do in this type of situation?

But don't take things too slowly cuz someone else could come and snatch her up

I met Rob thru another Christian music forum. We talked about music a little bit on there but he never posted much there. To make a long story short I friended him on Facebook or he may first had friended me. I can't remember which. Anyway I posted on my wall that I was looking to find a good old fashioned cd shop where I could find some metal CDs. I was willing to make a road trip. Anyway Rob responds telling me about this heavy metal record store near him in Rochester, NY. I was living in Southern Ontario Canada at the time which was about a 2 hour drive from Rochester. So I messaged him and said I'd like to check out this record store, can we meet up some time and go there? So we set a date to meet up and go to this store together. Now mind you, I was using the screen name She Eats Cheese as my Facebook name at the time and had a generic picture as my avatar so he had no clue of what I looked like. I did tell him my name was Mackenzie and a few things about myself before hand. Anyway I arrive at his apartment on the day we were to meet. He comes to the door with this stunned look on his face. I said "Hi I'm Mackenzie, and you must be Rob." When we were corresponding online he actually thought I was a guy! Lol I'm She Eats Cheese not He Eats Cheese. He was expecting a guys hang out time lol! Anyway we go to this heavy metal store together. In the same building as the store there is this Mexican Restaurant. He asks me if I want to get a bite to eat there. This was before he went vegan. I remember sharing some nachos & salsa. We had a real fun time hanging our and shopping for CDs. Rob talked about how he wanted to make a Christian Metal Podcast. I said to him I'd love to help him with that. We hit it off right away but nothing romantic happened that day but I was totally and completely smitten! I didn't let on that I was. I'm not sure what Rob thought of me. We would meet each other on the weekends. We'd alternate between Rochester and Canada but we were just friends. This went on for a month or so. Till finally one weekend he came up to my place. He had this really nervous look on his face and said I want to talk to you. And of course I'm thinking the worst - I'm thinking he doesn't want to see me anymore or something like that. He sits me down and begins speaking. I interrupted him before he gets to the point and I tell him I'm falling for him. And he said "I was about to tell you the same thing! You stole my thunder!" The rest as they say is history. But the funny thing is that neither one of us went into this with the intention of being in a relationship. It kind of just happened!

Know what sucks? Having a crush on someone who lives three hours away, and not knowing if that person actually likes you.

Here's hoping my hormones (if they are to blame) will calm down...

Mackenzie, that is a wonderful story!  Reading that just put this giant grin on my face that I couldn't wipe off if I tried.    I love it.  Just adorable!

Yeah DBF, not sure what to say about that one...  That sucks though.  Although with all the means of communication these days, long-distance relationships aren't nearly as difficult anymore.  Also, three hours isn't TOO far for a weekend visit or something too.  That's rough if you don't know where she stands.  Honestly, that's the worst in my opinion.  For me, I SO much rather know she doesn't like me than be stuck wondering or unsure.  I hope that situation works out though!

Oh Mac what a great account! I loved the part where Rob thought you were a guy.

DBF, you are young brother and this probably won't be the first time your heart drags you through something like this. I feel for you man, don't know if it helps but we have all been through it.

Wait, you mean Rob hasn't always been vegan

I was single for quite awhile after my previous relationship ended. At first I thought that being single sucked. After a while I began to like it cuz I could come and go as I pleased. It was nice not having to answer to anyone. You could say I got pretty comfortable in being single. I was part of a singles group at church and was even a leader of the singles ministry for a while. I'd actually stopped looking for a wife because I was enjoying the single life but I guess God had other plans. He is known for shaking things up in your life when you're in your comfort zone. Going into a dating relationship which eventually led to marriage took a lot of adjustment on my part. I had to learn how to be the right person by putting her needs ahead of mine. I love my wife and could not imagine my life without her but I'm here to tell you it takes a lot of hard work from both people in the marriage to make it work

Rabid Rob wrote:

...I love my wife and could not imagine my life without her but I'm here to tell you it takes a lot of hard work from both people in the marriage to make it work

I completely agree.

I love my husband!

She Eats Cheese wrote:

I love my husband!

I sure hope you do





Oh, and Kerrick:



Boink.

  Hahaha still searching for that Proverbs 31 woman to boink???

We met at Bible camp this summer, since we were both working there for most of the time. She and I were the only Francophones there, and thus we became pretty good friends, and I was under the impression that she liked me. Now that camp is over, we don't talk very often, although I text her once in a while (but she never texts me).

I'm probably too young for a relationship, but she attracts me in a strange way, not a physical attraction, but there's just something funny that I can't pinpoint.

Feels good to get that off my mind.

Staybrite wrote:

Rabid Rob wrote:

...I love my wife and could not imagine my life without her but I'm here to tell you it takes a lot of hard work from both people in the marriage to make it work

I completely agree.

You love Rob's wife too?  Man, this is getting to be some sort of weird tryst around here! 


On a more serious note, any married folk should agree with Rob's statement but within the bonds of their own relationship.  I love my wife and can't imagine life without her.  As a minister, I would never get anything done without her.  She keeps me on schedule and makes me look good in the eyes of the church.  I wouldn't have survived the church where we've served for the last 4 1/2 years without her.  She's got great dimples, too. 

A wonderful story to read She Eats Cheese.

alldatndensum wrote:

Staybrite wrote:

Rabid Rob wrote:

...I love my wife and could not imagine my life without her but I'm here to tell you it takes a lot of hard work from both people in the marriage to make it work

I completely agree.

You love Rob's wife too?  Man, this is getting to be some sort of weird tryst around here! 

 

She Eats Cheese - your post is so cool !  Very sweet and dare I say: romantic.

Everyone either has a great story of how God brought that ONE person into their life - or if you don't yet, then quit looking, searching and longing, and let God do His thing. The best way to let God work amazing wonders is to get out of His way and let Him do it.
At least that's how He did it for me.

Being a bit of a romantic, I'm a strong believer in doing things for my wife "just because". Every time I go buy her flowers, someone in line behind me or even the checker will say "in the doghouse eh.. haha" - I say, Nope ! Just cuz she deserves 'em.
My daughter's ex-husband always said flowers were a "waste of time and money" - I'd try to tell him, it's not about what you think or feel, it's what she likes. She likes flowers? surprise her with one long stem rose every once in a while, and at other times different bouquets of flowers throughout the year for no other reason than to just show her that she's important to you. He refused to. But that's another story.

I also believe in random date nights even after 17 years of marriage. Don't wine and dine her while you're hunting her, then after you've bagged and tagged her, set her up as a trophy in your house. KEEP wining and dining her ALWAYS. Just cuz you've "conquered" her, it's no excuse to just kick back and stop pursuing her.

Lisa and I have a "song" too. I called her up one day when we were dating and played "In Time" by Wes King to her over the phone. After she heard the lyrics she totally agreed that it was as if it was written exactly about us at that point in our relationship. 17 years later, it's still "our song"-

The moon
Has never shown so brightly
The heavens
Have never shed such light on me
It's so soon
To be captured by your gaze
But your eyes
Have got me in a daze

In time we will see
The love we might find
In time we will be
The place that we should be
So His love might find us
The Savior of our loneliness
Just in time

The autumn
Has been our time together
Our harvest
Could be a love that lasts forever
No matter
Where this friendship takes us
The truth is
We can be only what He makes us to be

I want to tell you what's inside of me
But I'm scared guess that's just pride in me
But these leaves of fear will turn
There must be a season of singleness
But there's help through this loneliness
These are times for us to learn

In time we will see
The love we might find
In time we will be
The place that we should be
Where His love might find us
The savior of our loneliness
Just in time

Great advice G/F (I do much of the same myself).

I will also add that you need to try to give your partner more that you ever expect to receive. A marriage will always have less trouble if your spouse is your best friend. Don't ever go into a marriage under the assumption of what your spouse will do for you, go in with the attitude that he/she is the person you want to spend the rest of your life making happy.

Staybrite wrote:

alldatndensum wrote:

Staybrite wrote:

Rabid Rob wrote:

...I love my wife and could not imagine my life without her but I'm here to tell you it takes a lot of hard work from both people in the marriage to make it work

I completely agree.

You love Rob's wife too?  Man, this is getting to be some sort of weird tryst around here! 

 

lol I'm sure you meant agape